I'd Hate To Be Us
by Falling to Fly
Summary: "And then we both go down together. We'd stay there forever and just try to get up. And I'm sorry that this wasn't easy when you asked me believe me and never let go..." The boys' friendship is in jeopardy. Will things ever be the same?
1. I'd Hate To Be Us

**So I wrote this in honor of BTR's new album, which is _supposed _to be in stores today, and it's _amazing_:) So anyway. I should have been working on the next chapter of 'Venator' but I felt that that could wait. So this is sort of based on tonight's new episode. I really don't know what's going to happen, so this could be completely off. I'm certain that the end is, so... yeah. It's another Mayday Parade songfic, this time to the song 'I'd Hate To Be You When People Find Out What This Song Is About.' Lovely name, right? But it's one of my favorite songs by them, and it really fit this (well, I made it fit this) So enjoy:)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush or anything affiliated**

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And we both go down together…

When the boys went down, they went down hard. That's why they never gave up, never allowed themselves to fail, because when they did it was too hard to get back up. That's why they always made such a big deal about not being pushed around, because they all knew that one day they would get pushed too far. That's why now more than ever the boys felt pain, because they were going down, and there was nothing to stop the fall.

_We'd stay there forever…_

All of them wished more than anything that they could all turn the clock back a few hours. They wished they could stay there forever, so that they could stop this all from happening. But life rarely gave you second chances, and even if it did, they'd used them all up anyway.

_And I'm sorry that this wasn't easy…_

James had begged Logan for forgiveness more times than he could count. Logan had always been the most forgiving person in the world, so it made sense that he would accept the apology and they could move on with their lives. But he didn't. For once in his life Logan Mitchell couldn't find it in his heart to forgive someone, even though that person was one of the people he loved most in the world. That showed everyone how deeply he had been hurt by his friend's actions.

_When I asked you, believe me…_

Logan wanted to forgive James. Really and truly he did, because he hated what he was doing to the others. He wanted to believe every word that James was saying, that it was all a huge misunderstanding and that nothing had happened. But he couldn't. James had crossed the line this time and hurt Logan too much. How many times had James tried to help him get Camille? At the time he'd thought that James was just being a good friend, but now he wasn't sure what he believe. _"Camille… Yeah, she's cool. And not my type." _Now he knew the truth.

_And never let go…_

So they were both going to have to just let go. Even though it was going to hurt a lot of people. Even though it would mean throwing away all of their work, everything they'd accomplished. Even though it would probably be the thing that finally destroyed their long friendship.

_Well I'm thinking of the worst things that I could say to you…_

James and Logan could think of a million different things they wanted to say to each other, but they didn't. They refused to say anything to each other at all, harsh or otherwise. Kendall and Carlos had been brought into the middle of things, both being forced to take sides. Carlos, who was willing to look at the whole thing from an unbiased point of view, sided with James, while Kendall, who knew the pain that came with the idea of having a girlfriend cheat on you, went with Logan. They should have known that splitting up wouldn't end well for anyone.

_But a promise doesn't mean a thing anymore…_

When they'd first come to L.A. Kendall had made them all promise that they wouldn't let the city change them. They needed to stay grounded, and remember where they came from. The Hollywood Fever had temporarily broken that promise, but then everything had been good again and they had forgotten all about it. Still, that showed that they weren't exactly good at keeping promises.

Carlos had broken promises. He'd promised not to make any promises that he couldn't keep, and that promise alone hadn't been kept. Kendall had broken promises. He'd promised that he would never turn his back on his friends, but he'd done that very thing the minute Griffin dumped Big Time Rush. Logan had broken promises, or at the very least lied. He'd lied to both Camille and Mercedes and tried to date both of them at the same time. Camille had seemed to have forgiven him, but maybe she hadn't. Maybe that's why she'd done what she had. James had broken promises. He'd promised that he had no feeling for Camille. He'd assured Logan that they were just friends, and that he would never get in the way of their relationship. But he had.

_And this never will be right with me…_

Logan would never be okay with what had happened. He would never be able to forget that feeling of betrayal that had accompanied the shock that came from knowing that his best friend had kissed his girlfriend. He wished he could just turn the other cheek and forget all about it, instead of tearing apart the band. But he would never be all right with what James had done.

_And now you're trying desperately…_

James wanted more than anything for Logan to forgive him. He couldn't stand knowing that he had hurt Logan badly enough for him to be unable to look past what he had done. He hadn't meant to do anything. It had just been a kiss, and it hadn't meant anything. Why couldn't Logan understand that? What more did he have to do to make Logan see how sorry he was? He'd practically gotten on his hands and knees and begged, and yet they still weren't speaking to each other.

_But I'm tongue tied and terrified of what I'll say…_

James wanted to try talking to Logan again. It had already been several days and he still hadn't spoken to him. But he wasn't entirely sure that he trusted himself to speak. When they finally spoke there would most definitely be an argument, and James wasn't sure that he would be able to keep his cool. It was more likely that there would be screaming and insults, and if James let it go far enough they could end up throwing punches. That would only make things worse. That's why James hadn't tried to say anything, even though he knew that he desperately needed to.

_I could only sing you sad songs…_

James didn't know what to do anymore. It was just him and Carlos now, and if felt so completely _wrong. _It had always been the four of them. No matter what they stood against they'd always managed to get through it. The thing that made this time different was that this time they weren't going up against something else together; they were going against each other, apart.

_And you could sing along…_

Logan was really beginning to hate himself. He'd spent the past few days hating everyone else, Camille and James especially, but now that was beginning to burn off, and he could only think about how stupid he was being. James was clearly sorry. Camille was clearly sorry. His unwillingness to accept their apologies was affected everyone else, and was that really fair? Would it be better if he just forgave them and tried to go back to how things had been before?

_And you could sing the melody that's been calling out your wrongs…_

James had done so many wrong things. He'd kissed Camille, yeah, but there was more than that. He was the one who had gotten Hollywood Fever first. He was the one who had gone to Hawk and then refused to come back to his friends. He'd done so many things to hurt his friends. Maybe… No, there was no maybe about it. He didn't deserve his friends. They would just be better off without him.

_And this never will be right with me…_

The guilt James was feeling was smothering. He hadn't felt anything but frustration, depression, and most of all, regret. It was driving him crazy, and he didn't know what to do about it. If Logan wouldn't listen to him then the issue would never go away. And even if Logan did somehow manage to forgive him, the guilt would never stop eating away at him. Logan's forgiveness was what he wanted, but even if he got it he wasn't sure that he'd be able to forgive himself.

_But I never told you everything…_

If only James knew just how deeply he had hurt Logan. No one knew about how unsuccessful his relationships had been back in Minnesota, not even his best friends. So many girls had used him to get to one of his friends, especially James. But back then James hadn't known what was going on, or he definitely would have tried to stop it. Now he had tried to take one of the girls that Logan liked yet again, but this time he had surely been completely aware of what he was doing. That hurt so much, and James would never truly understand that pain.

_I'm losing hope and fading dreams…_

James was really beginning to think that he might have ended the boys' friendship. All four of them had made a bunch of mistakes over the years, but had he been the one to screw up bad enough to end it all? He was truly beginning to believe that Logan would never forgive him. Things would never be able to go back to the way it was, and it was all his fault. His fault.

_And every single memory along the way…_

Every happy, exciting, joyful experience the boys had gone through together was out the window. Everything that they had worked for, everything that they had hoped to accomplish, had been destroyed, shattered into a million pieces. They were supposed to be unbreakable, and he had been the one to finally send them all crashing down. It was his fault.

_And then we both go down together…_

They were going down, and they wanted nothing more than to stop. Because if they managed to get to the very bottom, all would be lost. There would be no salvaging their friendship; it would already be too late. Logan knew that they needed to stop the downward spiral _now_. He wasn't going to let it end this way.

_We may stay there forever…_

He wouldn't let them stay like this. James had made a mistake, sure, but they all had. There was no reason for Logan to hold onto it like he was. He'd always told his friends that they needed to let go of the past, because holding on took too much strength and energy that they could be using in the present. He was a hypocrite, because that was exactly what he wasn't doing. He needed to find James, to forgive him. It wouldn't be easy, but it would be worth it to get them out of this depressing, terrible hole that they had dug for themselves.

_I'll just try to get up…_

James needed to move on. If Logan wasn't willing to forgive him then fine, he would deal with the pain. But he wasn't about to drag Carlos down with him. He'd already caused one of his friends enough pain; he wouldn't do that to another. He would try with all his might to land on his feet, and pray that eventually it would get easier. It was his fault he had to do this in the first place, so he couldn't feel sorry for himself. That didn't stop the ache in his heart, though. Not in the least.

_And I'm sorry that this wasn't easy…_

James was sorrier than words could describe. He wanted nothing more than to take back everything he had done, because if he could then everything wouldn't have to be so difficult. He was so sorry that he had put everyone through all this pain. He was sorry that he wasn't able to do anything about it, even though he wanted to with all his heart. He was sorry that no one realized it.

_When I asked you, believe me…_

Logan really did believe that James was sorry. It didn't justify his actions, and it didn't make them hurt any less, but he understood that James regretted ever kissing Camille. He knew he was being immature, and it was time to put a stop to it. Even if it was hard at first, he knew that he would be able to forgive James with time. Things would never be the same, but they would be brothers again, and that was all that mattered.

_You never let go…_

Logan refused to let it all go. It wasn't fair to anyone to throw away all those years of friendship, especially over something like this. It wasn't like he'd been about to marry Camille. Sure he liked her a lot, but he and James had history. They'd known each other since they were four, and they'd been through literally _everything _together. Letting it go over something so stupid… He wouldn't do it. He wouldn't let go. That left one extremely important question to be answered.

_But I let go..._

James wouldn't cause his friends anymore pain. That wasn't fair to anyone. If suffering alone would keep his friends from hurting then he would walk away and do it, and never look back. His friends were worth it, even if he wasn't. He would let go, for them. For them.

The answer to that one question would make a difference in everything that happened to Logan and James from that point on.

Could their friendship really survive?

* * *

**Heh, I have NO idea where that came from. Originally I was going to write something happy, but apparently my creative brain is incapable of that. This was basically just their thoughts on what happened between James and Camille, although I highly doubt the episode will be anything like this, because, well, it's Nickelodeon. They don't really do angst, at least not like this. Again, I have no idea where this came from. But it's in honor of BTR's album, _and _their performance on 'The Today Show,' _and _the new episode tonight. So, reviews?**


	2. I'd Hate To Be Me

**The ending for the first version of this depressed me, so I decided to do an alternate ending. I think this version depressed me even more -dies- But it's happier at the end. Hopefully. I'll leave you to be the judge. Everything is the same, I just added stuff to the end. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush**

* * *

When the boys went down, they went down hard. That's why they never gave up, never allowed themselves to fail, because when they did it was too hard to get back up. That's why they always made such a big deal about not being pushed around, because they all knew that one day they would get pushed too far. That's why now more than ever the boys felt pain, because they were going down, and there was nothing to stop the fall.

_We'd stay there forever…_

They wished they could stay there forever. All of them wished more than anything that they could all turn the clock back a few hours. They wished they could stay there forever, so that they could stop this all from happening. But life rarely gave you second chances, and even if it did, they'd used them all up anyway.

_And I'm sorry that this wasn't easy…_

James had begged Logan for forgiveness more times than he could count. Logan had always been the most forgiving person in the world, so it made sense that he would accept the apology and they could move on with their lives. But he didn't. For once in his life Logan Mitchell couldn't find it in his heart to forgive someone, even though that person was one of the people he loved most in the world. That showed everyone how deeply he had been hurt by his friend's actions.

_When I asked you, believe me…_

Logan wanted to forgive James. Really and truly he did, because he hated what he was doing to the others. He wanted to believe every word that James was saying, that it was all a huge misunderstanding and that nothing had happened. But he couldn't. James had crossed the line this time and hurt Logan too much. How many times had James tried to help him get Camille? At the time he'd thought that James was just being a good friend, but now he wasn't sure what he believe. _"Camille… Yeah, she's cool. And not my type." _Now he knew the truth.

_And never let go…_

So they were both going to have to just let go. Even though it was going to hurt a lot of people. Even though it would mean throwing away all of their work, everything they'd accomplished. Even though it would probably be the thing that finally destroyed their long friendships.

_Well I'm thinking of the worst things that I could say to you…_

James and Logan could think of a million different things they wanted to say to each other, but they didn't. They refused to say anything to each other at all, harsh or otherwise. Kendall and Carlos had been brought into the middle of things, both being forced to take sides. Carlos, who looked at the whole thing from an unbiased point of view, sided with James, while Kendall, who knew the pain that came with the idea of having a girlfriend cheat on you, went with Logan. They should have known that splitting up wouldn't end well for anyone.

_But a promise doesn't mean a thing anymore…_

When they'd first come to L.A. Kendall had made them all promise that they wouldn't let the city change them. They needed to stay grounded, and remember where they came from. The Hollywood Fever had temporarily broken that promise, but then everything had been good again and they had forgotten all about it. Still, that showed that they weren't exactly good at keeping promises.

Carlos had broken promises. He'd promised not to make any promises that he couldn't keep, and that promise alone hadn't been kept. Kendall had broken promises. He'd promised that he would never turn his back on his friends, but he'd done that very thing the minute Griffin dumped Big Time Rush. Logan had broken promises, or at the very least lied. He'd lied to both Camille and Mercedes and tried to date both of them at the same time. Camille had seemed to have forgiven him, but maybe she hadn't. Maybe that's why she'd done what she had. James had broken promises. He'd promised that he had no feeling for Camille. He'd assured Logan that they were just friends, and that he would never get in the way of their relationship. But he had.

_And this never will be right with me…_

Logan would never be okay with what had happened. He would never be able to forget that feeling of betrayal that had accompanied the shock that came from knowing that his best friend had kissed his girlfriend. He wished he could just turn the other cheek and forget all about it, instead of tearing apart the band. But he would never be all right with what James had done.

_And now you're trying desperately…_

James wanted more than anything for Logan to forgive him. He couldn't stand knowing that he had hurt Logan badly enough for him to be unable to look past what he had done. He hadn't meant to do anything. It had just been a kiss, and it hadn't meant anything. Why couldn't Logan understand that? What more did he have to do to make Logan see how sorry he was? He'd practically gotten on his hands and knees and begged, and yet they still weren't speaking to each other.

_But I'm tongue tied and terrified of what I'll say…_

James wanted to try talking to Logan again. It had already been several days and he still hadn't spoken to him. But he wasn't entirely sure that he trusted himself to speak. When they finally spoke there would most definitely be an argument, and James wasn't sure that he would be able to keep his cool. It was more likely that there would be screaming and insults, and if James let it go far enough they could end up throwing punches. That would only make things worse. That's why James hadn't tried to say anything, even though he knew that he desperately needed to.

_I could only sing you sad songs…_

James didn't know what to do anymore. It was just him and Carlos now, and if felt so completely _wrong. _It had always been the four of them. No matter what they stood against they'd always managed to get through it. The thing that made this time different was that this time they weren't going up against something else together; they were going against each other.

_And you could sing along…_

Logan was really beginning to hate himself. He'd spent the past few days hating everyone else, Camille and James especially, but now that was beginning to burn off, and he could only think about how stupid he was being. James was clearly sorry. Camille was clearly sorry. His unwillingness to accept their apologies was affected everyone else, and was that really fair? Would it be better if he just forgave them and tried to go back to how things had been before?

_And you could sing the melody that's been calling out your wrongs…_

James had done so many wrong things. He'd kissed Camille, yeah, but there was more than that. He was the one who had gotten Hollywood Fever first. He was the one who had gone to Hawk and then refused to come back to his friends. He'd done so many things to hurt his friends. Maybe… No, there was no maybe about it. He didn't deserve his friends. Maybe they would just be better off without him.

_And this never will be right with me…_

The guilt James was feeling was smothering. He hadn't felt anything but frustration, depression, and most of all, guilt. It was driving him crazy, and he didn't know what to do about it. If Logan wouldn't listen to him then the issue would never go away. And even if Logan did somehow manage to forgive him, the regret would never go away. Logan's forgiveness was what he wanted, but even if he got it he wasn't sure that he'd be able to forgive himself.

_But I never told you everything…_

If only James knew just how deeply he had hurt Logan. No one knew about how unsuccessful his relationships had been back in Minnesota. So many girls had used him to get to one of his friends, especially James. But back then James hadn't known what was going on, or he definitely would have tried to stop it. Now he had tried to take one of the girls that Logan liked yet again, but this time he had surely been completely aware of what he was doing. That hurt so much, and James would never truly understand that pain.

_I'm losing hope and fading dreams…_

James was really beginning to think that he might have ended the boys' friendship. All of the boys had made a bunch of mistakes over the years, but he had screwed up bad enough to end it all? He was truly beginning to believe that Logan would never forgive him. Things would never be able to go back to the way it was, and it was all his fault. His fault.

_And every single memory along the way…_

Every happy, exciting, joyful experience the boys had gone through together was out the window. Everything that they had worked for, everything that they had hoped to accomplish had been destroyed, shattered into a million pieces. They were supposed to be unbreakable, and he had been the one to finally send them all crashing down. It was his fault.

_And then we both go down together…_

They were going down, and the wanted nothing more than to stop. Because if they managed to get to the very bottom, all would be lost. There would be no salvaging their friendship; it would already be too late. Logan knew that they needed to stop the downward spiral _now_. He wasn't going to let it end this way.

_We may stay there forever…_

He wouldn't let them stay like this. James had made a mistake, sure, but they all had. There was no reason for Logan to hold onto it like he was. He'd always told his friends that they needed to let go of the past, because holding on took too much strength and energy that they could be using in the present. He was a hypocrite, because that was exactly what he wasn't doing. He needed to find James, to forgive him. It wouldn't be easy, but it would be worth it to get them out of this depressing, terrible hole.

_I'll just try to get up…_

James needed to move on. If Logan wasn't willing to forgive him then fine, he would deal with the pain. But he wasn't about to drag Carlos down with him. He would try with all his might to land on his feet, and pray that eventually it would get easier. It was his fault he had to do this in the first place, so he couldn't feel sorry for himself. That didn't stop the ache in his heart, though. Not in the least.

_And I'm sorry that this wasn't easy…_

James was sorrier than words could describe. He wanted nothing more than to take back everything he had done, because if he could then everything wouldn't have to be so difficult. He was so sorry that he had put everyone through all this pain. He was sorry that he wasn't able to do anything about it, even though he wanted to with all his heart. He was sorry that no one realized it.

_When I asked you, believe me…_

Logan really did believe that James was sorry. It didn't justify his actions, and it didn't make them hurt any less, but he understood that James regretted ever kissing Camille. He was being immature, and it was time to put a stop to it. Even if it was hard at first, he knew that he would be able to forgive James with time. Things would never be the same, but they would be brothers again, and that was all that mattered.

_You never let go…_

Logan refused to let it all go. It wasn't fair to anyone to throw away all those years of friendship, especially over something like this. It wasn't like he'd been about to marry Camille. Sure he liked her a lot, but he and James had history. They'd known each other since they were four, and they'd been through literally _everything _together. Letting it go over something so stupid… He wouldn't do it. He wouldn't let go. That left one, extremely important question to be answered.

_But I let go._

Could their friendship really survive?

* * *

"James! Where are you?"

"Hey, have you seen a guy, yay tall, answers to James?"

"James Diamond! Come on, where are you?"

Logan, Kendall, and Carlos looked around the Palm Woods lobby, searching for their missing friend. Logan had found the two sitting by the pool in a stony silence minutes earlier. It had broken his heart to see what he had done to his friends, and his need to fix everything grew. As soon as he'd explained his thoughts to them they'd brightened, no longer in a war with each other. Things looked like they were finally beginning to go back to normal, but they still had one more thing they had to do: find James.

No one had seen him, though. A few kids had said that they'd seen him earlier that morning, but not since. The boys had searched the pool, the lobby, even the apartment. But James was nowhere to be found.

"Let's head back to the apartment," Kendall said. "Maybe my mom's seen him or something." The others nodded, following him to the elevators.

Mrs. Knight glanced up as the boys entered the apartment. "Hey Mrs. Knight. Have you seen James?" Logan couldn't keep the hope from his voice, but he was still surprised when their guardian nodded. "Yes, he was just here a few minutes ago. He went into his room for a few minutes and then left. He told me to tell you he was sorry, and that he left you a note since you wouldn't talk to him," she said, her face softening. "He really is sorry, you know."

Logan nodded. "Thanks, Mrs. Knights," he called over his shoulder as he headed for James' room. Kendall and Carlos followed behind him wordlessly. James' room was surprisingly neat. There were no clothes scattered across the floor, his hair products were arranged neatly on a shelf, and his bed was made. And on the bed, just as Mrs. Knight had said, was a note. Logan picked it up and began to read, feeling his heart plummet as he did so.

"Dear Logan,  
I'm sorry for what I did. I can't stand living with the knowledge that I hurt you without meaning to, and that you don't believe me. I hope you understand that eventually, and I hope that you can forgive me for what I'm about to do.

I've realized that all I do is mess things up for you guys. If you look back at all the time we've spent together you'll see that I'm the cause of a lot of the problems we've had. I don't want to do that anymore. I don't want to be the one that hurts you guys and holds you back. It's not fair to you, or anyone else. So I just won't do it anymore.

I hope that you understand why I'm doing this. Even though I know you won't be able to forgive me, I hope that you'll at least be able to finally see just how sorry I am, and how sorry I've been all along.

Take care of Kendall and Carlos for me. I know that what I did separated you all, but I hope that you can all come back together, now that I'm not here to keep you apart. I want you to know that even though you probably hate me, I still love you guys. You're still my brothers, which is why I'm doing this. I don't want to hurt you anymore.

Goodbye, Logan.  
-James"

Logan felt the note drop from his hands. _James. _Carlos and Kendall were staring at each other in a mix of shock and horror. "He's not going to…" But he was. "We have to find him," Logan choked out. He sprinted for the door, not bothering to see if the others were following. He had to find James. That was all that mattered.

* * *

James stared out across the roof. He'd never been up there before, but it was surprisingly peaceful. You could see almost all of Los Angeles, and in the twilight it looked beautiful. Too bad he wouldn't be able to see it for much longer.

He moved slowly across the roof, making his way closer and closer to the edge. His body started trembling halfway there, but he didn't stop. This would be better for everyone. It was easier this way.

He stepped up onto the edge, looking down. It was dizzying, seeing how far up he was. Down below he could see tiny little people, going about their normal activities on the street. They probably had loving families, ones who were affected in a good way by them. James wished he could be like them. Oh well. He wouldn't be hurting anyone for much longer...

He took a deep breath and lifted one foot, letting it dangle over the edge. He closed his eyes, praying that it would all be over soon. And then, without taking another look back, he just let himself... fall.

But he wasn't falling forward; no, he was falling backward. Something had suddenly wrapped around his waist, pulling him back and sending him crashing to the ground. His shoulder took the full impact, but he was barely aware of the pain. All he could do was stare at the person who had just pulled him back, who had just stopped him from ending all the pain. It didn't make any sense. "Why, Logan?"

Logan stared at him, his face pale and his eyes full of tears. Kendall and Carlos were standing a few feet away, but they looked like they couldn't move. It didn't make any sense. Why had they saved him? "Why?" he repeated quietly. A look of pain crossed Logan's face. "I could ask the same thing," he whispered hoarsely. James shook his head. "You know it'll be easier this way. All I've done is mess things up and hurt you, and I don't want to do that anymore. What I did was unforgivable, I know that, and I don't want to do it again. Don't tell me that you don't think it will be easier this way. You know it will."

Logan shook his head wildly. "No, James, it won't be easier this way! How could you think that? I can't believe that you want to do this. I don't want you to do it, James." James' eyes cleared a little and he looked at Logan in confusion. "But-" Logan wouldn't have it. "There are no buts about this, James. Don't you get it? I don't want you to do this. I _forgive _you, James."

James stared at him in shock. Had he heard wrong? Had Logan just _forgiven _him? It was too good to be true. Yet Logan was still sitting there with tears streaming from his eyes. He meant it; he'd forgiven him.

Then the dam broke and they were both sobbing, hugging each other as tightly as they could. Seconds later Kendall and Carlos joined them. As they held each other, Logan realized he had the answer to his question: there friendship would survive. It would always survive.

* * *

**Oh man. I try to make a happier ending and I end up making it ten times worse -dies- I'm sorry. But at least this time Logan forgives James and everything is going to get better. Because it _will _get better. Still, I'm sorry. My heart hurt so bad when I was writing this. Can I even ask for reviews?**


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